I Bear No Grudge

This is a strange time for me.

I have recently experienced a number of monumental changes in my life that have lead me to rethink the way I view the world. I am also currently bed-ridden with a spinal injury, and have far too much time to think.

With all this thinking and changing, I have very little brainpower left for other pursuits. Today, I sacrifice one of the worst… I am saying goodbye to my grudges.

There are not many people I dislike. I have never enjoyed conflict and quite pride myself on being loved by all. However the grudges I hold, I hold hard.

It’s time to let them go.

To my ex.
You’re a piece of shit.
Hey, how are ya? 🙂
I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I just wanted to say thanks for telling everyone I have chlamydia.
But seriously. You’re not so bad. Thank you for teaching me that men can be kind, and that I am not too broken to be loved. I was bitter for a long time about the lies you told about me, but I realise now that they were coming from a place of great hurt. I forgive you.
We shared some great times together. I think in the end we were just at very different stages of our lives. But I will always remember our adventures, and your unwavering commitment and support. I’m not sure where I would be without you.

To my Father.
Alright, Dad. We have some stuff to talk about!
Firstly, I’m sorry for including you on this list. But the teenage years aren’t that far back and we certainly had our share of tension.
I’m also sorry for being the typical out-of-control teen. I know that must have been a hard time for you. I didn’t mean to put you through extra stress, I just had to find my own way of dealing with the realities of life.
I know I was a pain, so I forgive you for getting too angry. I forgive you for being too cruel at times.
Thank you for sticking by me. I’m really glad that out relationship has survived the tough times, because now I can’t imagine life without your support.

To my partner. 
Oh Josh. What can I even say after two years of love, lust, anger and heartache?
You have given me so much love… So much love that the pain doesn’t hurt half as bad as it should.
Thank you for being patient with me, for giving me a shoulder to cry on and a hand to hold. Thank you for indulging my anxieties and making phone calls for me.
I’m sorry that I can sometimes be too sad, too solemn, too soft spoken.
I’m sorry that I have such a happy and bubbly mask covering so much pain.
I promise that once we get through this, I will try harder to be happy for you.
I forgive you for lying. I will forgive you for it all, as long as you stay by my side and prove to me that you love me as much as I love you.
Just don’t ever fuck up again.

To his ex. 
I am sorry for holding anger against you for so long. I am sorry for calling you names and for making you into a joke.
I know that everything you did, you did because you were hurt.
He left you heartbroken. I understand that feeling more than any other, because I was heartbroken too. I’m so sorry we had to share that experience together.
I forgive you for the lies and manipulation. I forgive you for trying to tear us apart.
I hold no anger anymore.

To lost friends. 
Some of you I regret leaving. Some of you I am thankful to have left.
All I can say is that each and every one of you had an impact on my life.
Whether we have had a falling out, or simply lost touch over the years, I want you to know that your existence meant something to me.
You made my high school life bearable.
You made the bad decisions so memorable.
You made my life worth living.

I’m sure there are others who I have missed, or that may feel they hold a grudge unto me.
To those people, and to everyone else in my life that may have hurt, or been hurt by, me…
I am sorry.
I forgive you.
And I hope that you can find it within your hearts to move forward some day too.

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